Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This baby is an asshole
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
