M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
