Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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