i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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