I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
