my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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