you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
