I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
