i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
