I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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