i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
