I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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