does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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