oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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