I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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