You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
