Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
