Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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