my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
