no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
