did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
