ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
