she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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