Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
