Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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