did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
