wanna go halves on a baby?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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