Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
