I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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