If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
