Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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