How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
