This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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