the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
