i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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