my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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