Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
