Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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