I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
