need another drink. this is the easiest way
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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