as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
