My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
