Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
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