ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
