I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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