So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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