I look better un-naked...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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