I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize