I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize