what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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