He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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