I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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