Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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