I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
