you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
