I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
