i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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