I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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