Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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