Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
