So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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