my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think your dad took our porno
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
