Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize