Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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