i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
