My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
